The Circle of Life!

February 4, 2014 - Leave a Response

So, my dad died…

I’m not sure how to deal with it.  I really do wish that you got a manual when you were born.

“Dear Naked Butt Baby,
This is your manual that you will carry with you for life.  It deals with things you will encounter along the way and has nifty headings and coloured tags, for example, “You Think You Are Ready To Shag But How Can You Be Certain.”  Or “You Have Just Discovered That You Had a Really Shitty Childhood, How Do You Deal With it?”

Alas, no manual.  You just kind of have to wing it on your own.  If you are one of the lucky ones, you have a supportive family you can rely on – like brothers, sisters, a loving mother… a family.

So, my dad died…

It wasn’t really unexpected.  He hadn’t been well for some time now and eventually he just stopped breathing in the oxygen attached to his face and he slipped away peacefully in his hospital bed.

But it’s still shocking though.  You can expect it but it doesn’t stop the shock and the wave of gnawing sadness.

It happened on the 24 January 2014.  I got the ‘phone call from my mother at about 19:30 or thereabouts…

Today is the first day that I have had to sort of sit down and say to myself “So, my dad died…”

It’s kind of sad…

We found out on the Friday evening… and I sort of spent the weekend going through the motions, smiling, laughing, being happy and then realising… Hey, dad died.  And then I wasn’t really smiling and laughing and being happy anymore.  After a while though, I rallied and put on my game face and I was smiling and laughing and happy again.

That’s my problem though, when I am really, really sad, or really, really upset or really, really angry with the world…  I smile and laugh and be happy.  Because no one is allowed to know that Janine is really, really sad… end of the world, rip my heart out, sad.

I went to work for two days after the weekend of ‘smiling, laughing and being happy.’  Oh, you know, there was work to be done and, why wouldn’t I got to work?  It’s just my dad who died.  And it’s just me, nothing important.

I finally took off from the Wednesday and I slept most of the day.  The next day was up to the mother, to be with her, make sure she is okay, help her where possible.  And then the Friday was spent running around for The Highlander’s birthday party.

Yes, in the midst of the chaos, mess and mourning, we had a birthday party.

It’s my fault.  I could have said “Hey, my dad died, I’m not really up to this.”  And it would have been fine – everyone would have understood and we could easily have done it another time.  But no, why?  It’s just me, nothing important.

And then, there was the phone call on Friday night from a long lost, well meaning cousin who now lives in Europe… sometimes family secrets and scandals and wounds don’t have to be revealed right when you are trying to deal with a big, recently inflicted gaping wound in your soul.

It was a bit too much to take in – I tried to talk about it but… some things you just have to keep to yourself, you can’t expect other people to understand and give you sympathy.

I was supposed to be back at work on Monday – I was at the doctor getting prescription sleeping pills.  Yay!

Why is this affecting me so much?  I have no idea.

He was my step dad for starters but, I suppose when I think of the creature who was the biological ‘dad,’ my step dad was such a massive improvement on the donor of half my genetic material.

He was good to me, mostly.  He didn’t do the things my 50% genetic material donor did.  Although he did try once but by then I had a voice and I could tell him to fuck off.  He got the hint and never tried again.

So, my dad died…

I am so very tired.  I’m on those sleeping pills now, for a day or two, to see if my body remembers that “Hey, you can sleep for longer than two and a half hours a night.”

Tomorrow I am back to work…  And I don’t want to be.  But I have to – bills to pay and the only way to pay them is to have a shitty job you really don’t enjoy.  My dad’s death did teach me that life is too short, but when you are over 40, no one touches your CV with a ten foot barge pole, unless you have all those formal qualifications.

So, my dad died… and it seems to have much further reaching implications than I could have imagined.

PS:  I really wanted to blog more, and start writing again, – I wanted to get a laptop so I could do just that – blog in peace, sitting cross legged on my bed, staring out the window and the massive tree in the backyard, listening to the birds.  But, I’m not getting a laptop so, I might not be blogging for a while again.

Thanks for listening.

I Thought You’d Never Ask!

March 14, 2013 - Leave a Response

I’m using the daily prompt again, for yesterday.

Actually, I was going to try and write something at work today but… um… yeah, right.  LOL (I actually said “lol” in my head as I typed that… sad, I’ve gone over to the dark side, the bad one).

Anyways, the prompt was:

Silver Screen

Take a quote from your favorite movie — there’s the title of your post. Now, write!

Again, giving my age away here but, does anyone out there remember a movie called Don Juan Demarco?

Well, there is a scene in the movie, towards the end where the doctor (Brando) asks his wife (Dunaway) what her dreams and aspirations are.

And she says “I thought you’d never ask.”  Bearing in mind that this happens when they have been married for 20+ years and are at the start of the twilight years.  I think I watched that movie when I was 22, 23?  Thereabouts.  And I remember how poignant that one single line was then.  All these years later, it still has the same effect but with some bitter sweet frosting thrown in.

Well, believe it or not, no one has ever asked me what my dreams and aspirations are.

Yeah, thanks for that people.  Now I have to try and figure it out for myself.

The emotions are all scramble again because I ventured further down the rabbit hole today.  It was a bit hectic and exhausting and it was rather painful.  Possibly the most painful part that I realised today was how alone I have been my entire life.

Something that has always bothered and annoyed me is that people have continuously given me well intended encouragement like “You can be anything you want to be,” “You are such an amazing person, you can have the world,” “You are so intelligent and witty and charming, you really should be doing more with your life.”  All that is great and wonderful and really flattering but, like I said to the Doc today, “No one tells you how.  Where is the manual?”  And I realise now, many hours later, by saying that I was confessing that I have been missing one very important ingredient my whole life – support.

And I got homework.  I now have to write down What I Want From Life…  What Are My Needs?

To be honest, I have absolutely NO idea.  I even had to ask what a “need” is because I am guessing oxygen and water wasn’t really what the Doc had in mind.

I did get asked twice today if I’m okay.  Another realisation was that I don’t really get asked that question often, not with genuine concern.  It was kind of nice, it hurt but… it was nice.  :-)

Right now though, I think my immediate need is bed and a book.  Miss Anne Elliot and Captain Wentworth always make me happy.

Taking Advantage…

March 12, 2013 - Leave a Response

of the daily prompt.  My days of taking advantage in general are over.  Sorry, this is a boring blog now.  :-P

Hm… Erasure…  Well, I immediately thought of a delightfully, camp singing, keyboardie dance ensemble from the 80′s  but then I read the instruction:

You have the choice to erase one incident from your past, as though it never happened. What would you erase and why?”

And I realised it needed some work.  :-P

Right, give me a sec.

*slugging glass of wine*

Oh, wait, it’s a school night… oh, wait… don’t mind if I do.

“refilling glass of wine*

What (I feel a bit like a grown up journalist – who, what, where, when, why.  It might just be the wine talking but then the wine remembers Standard 9 [yes, I am that old] English):

The incident I would erase from my past would be moving down to the Eastern Cape with *insert a string of well thought out but less than complimentary words used to describe an ex* Flyboy.

Why?

Because I gave the best years of my life to someone who threw them back in my face and will never, ever appreciate anything I did for him or what I gave up for him.

I saw this today and… well, it makes sense and it makes me feel better.  :-)

“Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot.”

I know, I am a complete and utter bitch.

But, my brother SMSed something to me today (yes, I have a real, blood brother who isn’t a figment of my imagination) and I paraphrase but, I need to stop letting weak people affect me, I have to let go and move on.

Eventually, I will.

Jackpot!

March 6, 2013 - One Response

After my little (not so) hidden tags that would attract spam in my previous blog entry, I got 9 spam emails.  Everything ranging from website marketing to penis enlargement, adult videos and hair products and hair loss products… okay, I didn’t see the hair loss stuff coming.

But I feel so loved.  :-P

Down the Rabbit Hole Adventures – Part I

March 3, 2013 - 2 Responses

I call it Part I because, having started this adventure, I am sure there will be more parts.

Officially I have had my first therapy session, of this round.  The previous round was when Flyboy got heavy handed with me, without raising his hand once – he was always quick to point that out.  “But I never hit you.”  I guess that made it all okay in his world.

Anyway, back to the here and now.  On the up side, I wasn’t immediately admitted to a hospital for the head.  I was however asked if I have ever considered anti-depressants (I am going to have so much fun with all the spam now.  Oh, what the hell, weight gain, fat loss, depressed, anti-depressants, hair loss, penis enlargement).  That was a bit scary and a bit of an eye opener.  I don’t have a problem with the concept as such, it’s just that I haven’t heard good things about anti-depressant medication.  There are so many on the market and people have so many varied reactions to the different ones.  It sort of sounds like a hit and miss until you find ‘the one that works for you.’  Sorry, but I am just not that fond of taking medication.  In fact, I am not fond of taking medication at all.

My other concern is that those little pills do seem to become a crutch and people end up relying on them until they breathe their last.  I don’t really want to rely on a blister pack or a rattling bottle for the rest of my life.

So, yes, first session done and dusted.  The next one has been booked, no questions asked.

It was interesting and it took me to places in my life I REALLY didn’t expect to go, places I REALLY didn’t think would be relevant.  However, just hearing myself talk helped.  Already I have exposed a pattern of neglect and rejection and along with all of that, constant disapproval.

It’s funny how the constant disapproval continues in every day life, even now.

“Sorry, I misunderstood you when you said Y.”  Met with disapproval.

“Sorry, I don’t agree with your racism and never ending bitterness.”  Met with disapproval.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear what time you said you wanted to leave.”  Met with disapproval.

Sometimes it is hard to be the retard, ALL THE TIME.  You wake up in the morning and you know, it doesn’t matter what you do, what you say or how hard you try.  Nothing will be good enough, everything will be met with disapproval.  Whatever you do will just NEVER be good enough.

What has been very interesting are the reactions of people.  I have let a handful of people know, a select few whom I feel I can trust with my fragile state of mind.  Oh, and of course the entire blogosphere and internet but fortunately no one reads this anymore.  Woot!

When I say fragile, I am not exaggerating.  If I picture my state of mind, my strength of emotion, I see an extremely thin, delicate glass ornament.  If I had to compare both to something, I think of a lightbulb, the glass of a lightbulb.  Very thin and fragile.

And people don’t seem to realise that when you say “I am seeing a psychologist, she even asked if I have ever considered taking anti-depressants,” you are fragile.  Really, really fragile!  Generally, it has no effect and it doesn’t matter.

There is one girl at work whom I haven’t told.  As a side, she is nearly the same age as I am but I can’t help but think of her as a girl.  She is very naive and always has to know everything, not because she is malicious but because she is one of those people who cares about everyone.  And while I respect and admire that, I just don’t have the time or the energy for meaningless, cliched platitudes at the moment – she adores cliches and 98% of the time, she doesn’t even know what it means or gets it wrong.  I just don’t have the patience.

So, I haven’t told her.  However, our manager has probably hinted at something which is fine – we are a small department and we all sort of know everything that is going on in everyone else’s lives, like it or not.  But, it was hard not to say “Oh, just piss off,” when she came to me and started with the conversation “I am really not prying, but are you okay?”  How do you politely say “Step away from the basket case, there is no story for the You or Huisgenoot here today?”

And then there are the select few who do know that yours truly is falling apart, fast.  If I put myself in their shoes, I know I would treat the basket case with kid gloves, temper my tone, my voice and the things I say because the person is fragile.  Not so.  It changes nothing.

Sometimes it is so hard not to react when a disapproving snipe has come my way, it is so hard to stop myself from even starting to cry because I know once I do, I won’t stop.  But I ask myself, “Why?”  What have I done to be spoken to like I am so unbelievably stupid?  What have I done that is so heinous that every time I open my mouth or try and do something, it just meets disapproval?

Anyways, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?  I wonder if they make plus sized Wonder Woman outfits.

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